Hate is a strong wordbut JJ is satan
by dinosaur x
Summary: JJ is the root of all evil. Reid has ADD. For those who hate JJ as much as us. Character death.
1. Chapter 1

Disclamier: We don't own Criminal Minds, obvs...  
We don't really like JJ...so...if you do like JJ, then you probably shouldn't read this...  
This story is basically random...you'll find that apparent as you read...  
This part is really short...more to come...

"I love living! YAY!" Reid exclaimed skipping out of the elevator.

"Why didn't you become a crazy serial killer rapist freak of nature Norman Bates Dahmer?" JJ asked.

"What?"Reid asked, standing there and blinking a little.

"Yeah really, where the hell that come from JJ?" Morgan asked in his all awesomeness of Morgan.

"Look at him! His mom is friggin phycho, his dad left him, he was gender confused as a kid, and so much more! Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't reached puberty yet." JJ said in her annoying JJness.

Reid just stood there, blinking back tears "I..Have..Puberty!" He screamed, running out of the room crying.

"Look what you did now, JJ." Morgan said.

"Oh, like it's my fault he hasn't hit puberty yet!" JJ yelled.

"I think you're just jealous at the fact that Reid stole all your fanboys." Gideon stated, randomly coming into the conversation.

JJ, offended by Gideon's comment stormed out of the room.

"What's her major malfuntion?" Reid said walking back into the room, wiping away the tears from before.

"I'm not sure, maybe it's just the fact that she's satan and all" Morgan told Reid.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own Criminal Minds...story of my life l

"Listen kid, your probably the strongest one of all of us." Gideon said, randomly appearing, cuz he's Gideon…Don't fuck with that.

"Yay!" Reid exclaimed.

"With great power comes great responsibility." Gideon said.

"YAY-Wait…That's from Spiderman!" Reid pointed out.

"Yeah, whatever…I'm pretty sure there's no copyright." Gideon shrugged.

"Yeahhh…Okay then, um. Yeah." Morgan said.

"Wow JJ, once again you point out…you're a total bitch." Elle said.

"Yeah! What did Reid ever do to you!?" Hotch asked.

"I told you! She's just pissy he took her fanboys." Gideon said…Appearing again.

"THAT WAS A SECRET!" JJ yelled.

"She's probably also pissed that we would have had Reid here over her when he was kidnapped by the Jesus freak." Elle said, whispering to Hotch…But loud enough for Miss Bitchy pants to hear.

"I heard that!" JJ yelled at Elle.

"And...your point? not like it wasn't a lie or anything." Elle told JJ.

"So, Reid listen to me...JJ is pratically the root of all evil, but whatever she says about you being a creepy freako or not hitting puberty yet, don't let it bother you, she's just a huge twat, kid." Gideon said to Reid.

"Actually, I was wondering if you could call me "young grasshopper" rather than "kid." Reid told Gideon.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN TO THAT FUCK HEAD!?" JJ said, refuring to Reid.

"I'm not sure what a "fuck head" is, JJ...but I'm pretty sure if you look it up in the dictionary, you'll find your name under the definition." Morgan said cooly.  
"You guys act like I'm fucking satan's child!" JJ screamed.

"Actually, let me correct you there, you are satan, not the child of satan." Gideon told JJ.

"Wow. You guys are ridiculous! Go suck a fuck!" JJ yelled.

"Because it's really cool to steal lines from Donnie Darko, JJ" Morgan said, rolling his eyes.

"That's really original of you, can't even think of your own insults, so you steal them from a movie." Elle added. 

"But Gideon used a Spiderman quote when he was talking to Reid!" JJ said, trying to defend herself.

"Well, Gideon practically owns your life, so it's okay for him to steal quotes from movies. As for you, you're a...how you say "fuck head" so...you lose at life." Morgan said.

"I dont even know why I talk to you guys..." JJ thought aloud.

"Please, do us a favor and stop talking to us all together." Elle replied, putting her hand out to do the "talk to the hand" motion.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ohhh, you just got effed in the aye." Hotch said. 

"Oh snap!" Morgan said.

"Well, I'm going to leave and seek male attention now!" JJ screamed at them all as she stormed out the door.

"YAY! I'm gonna be sick!" Reid exclaimed. 

"We all are." Gideon said.

"I hear that." Elle said.

"Well I'm going to go home." Reid said.

"OK! Just be sure to watch out for skitzo Jesus freaks!" Everyone said lovingly.

Reid skipped to the parking lot to find his car. He spotted his car in the distance, that is, until he heard a random noise, it sounded like someone yelling Bob Saget.

"Bob Saget!? YAY!" Reid yelled. As Reid went to open the door to his car, he heard another yell, this yell sounded very similar to the word "Grandpa"

"Grandpa?" Reid said aloud.

He then noticed a figure coming closer to him, on closer inspection, he noticed it was JJ...lugging what looked like a GameBoy.

"PISS!" JJ yelled, and then twitched.

"What's up with you yelling random words...and then twitching?" Reid asked.

"I have tourettes, you fuck head." JJ told him.

"So you yell Bob Saget, Grandpa and Piss when you twitch?" Reid asked her.

"Obviously, you see this GameBoy in my hand? I'm going to throw it at your face." JJ half yelled.

"Ow, that might hurt!" Reid exlamied.

"No fuck, dickweed." said JJ sarcastically, as she attempted to throw the GameBoy at Reid's head, but Reid ducked.

"I'M GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE TEETH!" JJ screamed.

"Take a chill pill, grandma! Why do you hate me so bad?" Reid asked.

"I am not your grandmother, shit bag. Grandpa! And I hate you because you stole all my fanboys!" JJ explained. Once again, expirencing another tourettes outburst.

"SO GIDEON WAS RIGHT! YAY FOR GIDEON! So, are you really satan?" Reid asked.

"Do you actually believe that? You're IQ is bigger than my bra size, why don't you put that brain of yours to good use, buddy" said JJ.

"It's grasshopper, and yes, I do believe you are satan!" Reid stated.

"Oh, alright grasshopper. BOB SAGET Why don't I just cut your spleen out and feed it to your mother?!" JJ yelled, again...and as you can tell...she had another tourettes outburst.

"Golly gee, why'd you say that? My mom doesn't eat spleen! Maybe that's what you do! BUT NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE TO KEEP THEIR SPLEENS IN THEIR BODIES...AND AWAY FROM PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!" Reid said, taking the spleen insult to heart. 

"I feel my maturity level sinks everytime I have a conversation with you, Spencer" JJ said plainly.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclamier: don't own Criminal Minds...but you already knew that. 

"So are you done trying to kill me now, because I'm pretty tired." Reid said, yawning.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever. See you tomorrow." JJ said plainly and walked away.

Reid walked to his car, and basically drove his butt home. 

-the next day- 

Reid was out getting his mail, when a ninja ran out in front of him.

"NINJA?! cool!" Reid said with exictment.

"Yes, I'm a ninja. and I'm here to help you..." the Ninja stated.

"Help me with what, Ninja?" Reid asked.

"Do you get rid of satan" the Ninja replied.

"Oh. JJ! YES PLEASE! THAT WOMEN IS SATAN ON A STICK!" Reid exlaclaimed.

"So...shall I help you get rid of her?" the Ninja asked.

"Yes, yes!" Reid replied.

"But, there's one small price...I get to touch your hair whenever I have the urge." the Ninja said calmy.

"YAY! OF COURSE!" Reid yelled.

"I have a friend that's going to help us get rid of satan, come with me." the Ninja told Reid.

Reid got into the Ninja's car and asked "Ninja's have cars?" in which the Ninja nooded it's ninja head. "SWEET!" Reid said.

The Ninja drove up to a UPS station, and Reid and the Ninja got out.

"My friend, she works here at this UPS place, and she drives this really cool mail truck thing...we can use it to kill satan" the Ninja said.

"YAY FOR MAIL TRUCK THINGS!" Reid said.

They met the UPS person, and devised their plan to get rid of the root of evil...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclamier: dont own dis, yo.

"Uhm...Satan-I mean...JJ there's someone outside for you..." Reid told her.

"Oh...is that right?" JJ said sarcastically.

"yes...why else would I say it!" Reid said.

"Fine..I'll go." JJ said, leaving the confrence room.

She walked outside, only to find a ninja standing there holding a hockey stick.

"Who the hell are you?" JJ asked.

"Luke, I am your father...ha, only not really. I'm a candian vampirate jewish ninja that wields a hockey stick" the Ninja said, laughing at her Star Wars joke.

"oh...really!?" JJ exclaimed.

"Yes, and I'm here to kill your ass!" the Ninja replied.

As JJ was cowering in her satan-ey fear a UPS mail-truck thing pulled up.

"AH HA! I'm the...well...UPS mail-truck thingy...DRIVER!" and with that, the candian vampirate jewish ninja that wields a hockey stick...slapped JJ with that hockey stick until she was basically bleeding from every part of her body.

"That looks like it hurts!" Reid said, walking outside to see the plan undergoing.

"NO REALLY!" JJ said picking herself up from the ground, but as she did this, the UPS mail-truck thing ran her body over.

Reid laughed...and so did the ninja...and the UPS mail-truck thingy driver...

"is she dead yet?" Reid asked.

"I think so..." the Ninja replied...

"NOT REALLY. I'M SATAN. I WILL LIVE FOREVER!" JJ replied.

"So you admit you're satan?" Reid asked her.

"Basically." JJ replied, and with that, the UPS mail-truck thing ran over...once again.

"Hrm...wonder if she's dead yet..." Reid said.

"If not, I'll have to throw a bomb at her head" the Ninja said.

"Don't ninja's use nunchucks though?" Reid asked.

"This is modern day ninja stuff, we have to be conventional about this kind of stuff. Nunchucks hurt, but they're not going to kill satan...hense the reason I need a bomb to blow her head off" the Ninja said taking a bomb out of her pocket and lighting it and throwing it at JJ"s head.

They watched as her head exploded, and their was a chorus of laughter.

they watched as her headless body got up from the ground and started walking around.

"Oh. My. Lord. This women will not die!" the Ninja yelled.

"Time for Plan B" Reid said, and with that Reid took his gun out and shot JJ in the heart 10 times, and then she dropped to the ground...and died, finally.

"WORD, BRAH!" the Ninja said high fiving Reid.

"Satans dead!" Reid said, as the rest of the team came out see what the comotion was, once they saw JJ's lifeless body on the floor they all exchanged hugs and high fives.

From that day on, everyone in the world was a little bit happier, even if they didn't know JJ.

The End.


	6. Epilogue

After JJ died, no one bother to pick her dead body off the ground. So her body was devoured by dogs.

Ninja had her fair share of touching Reid's awesome hair, after JJ's death. Since Ninja basically killed Satan, so Reid owed Ninja one.

UPS person enjoyes driving around and running over JJ's evil spawn.


End file.
